THINGS THAT CONFUSE ME
TO BEGIN WITH:
First a few Hummerdingers.
SAVE A COW…EAT A VEGETARIAN.
MOTHERS OF TEENAGERS KNOW WHY SOME ANIMALS EAT THEIR YOUNG.
THE MORE YOU RUN OVER A DEAD CAT…THE FLATTER IT GETS.
THINGS THAT CONFUSE ME
By Lou Goldstein
I am going to share some random thoughts about some things that have confused me over the years. Some of these thoughts I have come up with on my own…while some have been given to me by others.
In either case they have legitimately confused me.
Maybe you have thought about them too. If not, you might find some new things to be confused about.
For example I have always wondered why the airlines don’t put parachutes under your seats instead of flotation devices. Or better yet, a parachute with a flotation device?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Why is the word " abbreviated" such a long word?
Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "Practice"?
Why is it that rain drops and snow falls?
Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is Lemon Juice made with artificial flavor and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why isn't there a mouse flavored cat food?
Why do we have solar flashlights?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car
is not called a racist?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If "Q" were castrated ... would he become "O"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word"lisp" to have an "s" in it?
So what's the speed of dark?
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Thermos flasks keep hot things hot and cold things cold...but how do they know?
I'd like you to see you figure these out:
How big is a jumbo shrimp ... How big is a small crowd ... How can you be pretty ugly?
Do they make decaffeinated coffee tables?
If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
If vegetarians eat only vegetables, then what do humanitarians eat?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
If you hire Dr. Kevorkian to assist with your suicide and you live ... can you sue him for malpractice?
There are 365 days in a year, yet there are 52 weeks consisting of 7 days each, which equals 364 days. Where does that extra day go?
What would chairs look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why is it that when you're at the beach swimming and it starts to rain, everyone gets up and leaves?
Why do women wear shoes that hurt their feet?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why does the sun lighten our hair…but darken our skin?
Why is it called lipstick if you can move your lips?
If a store is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
Why is there a mail box at the post office? You are there!
Why is it that night falls and day breaks?
Why is it when a man talks dirty to a woman it’s sexual harassment…
and when women talk dirty to a man it costs $2.99 a minute?
When it rains…why don’t sheep shrink?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
When companies ship Styrofoam … what do they pack in it?
If it’s tourist season…why can’t we shoot them?
Why do they call it a TV set…when you only get one?
What’s another word for synonym?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do we play in recitals…and recite in plays?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing-eye humans for blind dogs?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”?.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
If a man came from monkeys and apes…why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled…how would we know?
If all is lost…where is it?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary can you tell me where he got all the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats "push" their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ballgame" when we are already there?
Why is it called "after dark" when it's really "after light "?
If all the world is a stage...where is the audience sitting?
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
How come there aren't B batteries?
How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
I will be adding new “THINGS THAT CONFUSE ME” as I think of them, so check back occasionally.
See you next time,