EVEN YOU CAN BE FUNNY?





 TO BEGIN WITH...

Hummerdingers?
Sure why not.

IF YOU DIE IN AN ELEVATOR…BE SURE TO PUSH THE UP BUTTON.

TO EACH HIS OWN…JUST KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME.

PEACE IS THAT SHORT PERIOD…BETWEEN WARS. 

                                          EVEN YOU CAN BE FUNNY ?
                                                                  By Lou Goldstein

Well, maybe not YOU !
 
Just kidding.
Let’s begin with the supposition that anybody can be funny. What we need to do is develop the natural gift we all have inside of us that allows us to be funny.

Some people are naturally funny. Others, like me ( maybe even you) have to work at being funny. So either way, let’s figure out how to do this funny thing.

When you are at a social gathering did you ever notice that there is usually a crowd gathered around a person who is making people laugh? Or…at a business meeting the person who most people listen to is the one that mixes a little humor into a serious discussion? Or…the most effective speakers are those who interject humor into their speeches.

What is funny? Simply put… it is something that causes amusement or laughter. To be funny is to be humorous to someone… who sees humor in what you say. Understand that “funny” is a matter of opinion. What is funny to one person is not necessarily funny to another.

You also want to be mindful of the need to be funny in an acceptable manner. Telling that “dirty” joke might be funny at a stag party or to a bunch of “guys” …but at a school parent teacher conference it wouldn’t be “funny”. OK, that’s an obvious and basically understood illustration (although I’ve heard some “dirty” jokes at parent teachers conferences)… but you know what I mean.

Do you need to tell jokes to be funny? Of course not. You can have someone throw a pie in your face and (to some people) that would be funny. Actually, there are many different ways we can be funny. We just need to find out where our “funny button” is…and push it.

The very serious minded and the class clown can both be funny…but in different ways.

Here are some “magical gems” (quotes) other people have said that have made people laugh. You can memorize these or read them over and over again until they are embedded into your brain(memorize). Then when a subject or situation comes up that one of these “magical gems” applies to…use it. Just drop it into the conversation as if “you just thought of it” and you have now become a spontaneous person with a sense of humor.

MAGICAL GEMS

“We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.”
Keith Davis

"I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon."
Henny Youngman

"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination."
Oscar Wilde

"Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
Robert Orben

"Money is something you have to make in case you don't die."
Max Asnas

"Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping."
Bo Derek

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
Spike Milligan

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
Woody Allen

"I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with."
Rodney Dangerfield

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you prove that you don't need it."
Bob Hope

"It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy, it's only necessary to be rich."
Alan Alda

"Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate."
Woody Allen

"Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children."
J. Paul Getty

"Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy."
Spike Milligan

"I believe in the Golden Rule — The Man with the Gold . . . Rules."
Mr. T

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
Steven Wright

“Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the leaves change color and the birds falling from the trees."
David Letterman

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
A. Whitney Brown

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal.... I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
Ellen DeGeneres

"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone."
John Maynard Keynes

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
Steven Wright

“If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobel

"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane."
June Henderson

“My body is a temple where junk food goes to worship."
Anonymous

“Why should I care about future generations? What have they ever done for me?"
Groucho Marx

“George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles."
Author unknown

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?”
Barbara Streisand

“When Golf starts getting in the way of work and family ... give up work and family.”
Anon

“They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.”
Raymond Floyd

“I play [golf] in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.”
Joe E. Lewis

“The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.”
TV "Silk Stalkings"

“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”
W. C. Fields

“Anybody who thinks talk is cheap should get some legal advice.”
Franklin P. Jones

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”
Maryon Pearson

“Happiness is a positive cash flow.”
Fred Adler

“By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.”
George Burns

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.”
George Burns

“Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.”
Jack Benny

“Inflation is when you pay 15 dollars for the 10 haircut you used to get for 5 dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”
Lucille Ball

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns

“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...”
Sir Norman Wisdom

“At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.”
Rodney Dangerfield

“Many people die at twenty five and aren't buried until they are seventy five.”
Benjamin Franklin

“The two real political parties in America are the Winners and the Losers. The people don't acknowledge this. They claim membership in two imaginary parties, the Republicans and the Democrats, instead.”
Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

“A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.”
Texas Guinan

“The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.”
Oscar Levant

“I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends... that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.”
Adlai E. Stevenson

“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.”
Milton Berle

“We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.”
Frank McKinney Hubbard

“To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.”
Unknown

“The political machine triumphs because it is a united minority acting against a divided majority.”
Will Durant

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.”
Ronald Reagan

“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
Phyllis Diller

“When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another.”
Alan Alda

“Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.”
Josef Stalin

“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.”
Abe Lemons

“When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.”
Chi Chi Rodriguez

OK..these will get you started.

HOW ELSE CAN YOU BE FUNNY?

Well, you can tell jokes.
There are many good joke books you can find at any bookstore or on the internet. I’m not going to try and give you a bunch of jokes because it is so easy to find them yourself. Besides, it’s not what I think is funny it’s what YOU think is funny.

THINKING FUNNY
You also have to want to be funny.If you want to be funny,start thinking funny.

Can you bring humor into most any situation? I believe so. When Abraham Lincoln was assassinated at Ford’s Theatre it was a horrible and sad moment in our history. Yet it doesn’t eliminate this type of humor.
 
At the press conference immediately following President Lincoln’s assassination, a reporter asked the president’s wife, “So, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?”

One of the best ways to begin thinking funny is to read the headline of any news article and concentrate on finding something funny about the story.

Example !

HEADLINE
… OIL SPILL THREATEN’S GULF OF MEXICO. It appears that British Petroleum, the company responsible for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has offered to pay for the cleanup costs no matter how they might have to raise gas prices.

HEADLINE
… FAISAL SHAHZAD, THE TIMES SQUARE BOMBING SUSPECT SAYS HE ACTED ALONE. In fact, it appears that even his bomb wasn’t in on it.

HEADLINE…"BP, TRANSOCEAN AND HALIBURTON ARE BLAMING EACH OTHER FOR THE OIL SPILL. The way I see it…they are all right.”

That’s how you take a serious headline and THINK of something funny to say about it. You, too, can do this. It can be done in one of two ways. You can be a creative genius with a flair and talent for creating humor…or you can do as I did. Go on the internet in the morning and find out what the late night TV hosts said (funny) about the day’s news… (or stay up and watch late night TV with a pad and pencil.). Then start your day with a freshly stocked supply of something funny you can say during your day.

There are also certain words or phrases that are real…. or you can make up…. that people will find humorous.
 
ADORKABLE….could mean cute … or… a complete dork. (first, look up the meaning of dork).
FABATABULOUS…It’s all good.
FERSURE … for when you are absolutely sure.
A DEFINITE MAYBE ….. for when you are not really fersure.
SALAD DODGER…. instead of referring to a person as fat.
THE DEVIL’S MOUTHWASH..… any drink that has a foul taste.
REDUMBDANT…. means telling someone they keep repeating the same dumb things.

Here are some real words that might sound funny (to some people).
 
LUGUBRIOUS…. means sad, dismal or gloomy…yet to me sounds funny.
BUMFUZZLE
…. means to confuse or fluster.
SCOOTCH …. means to move a short distance.
CANOODLE .. means to caress or fondle amorously.
KUMQUAT… I don’t know why this citrus fruit sounds funny to me. Maybe it’s because I’m weird.
MASTICATE..
Saying you masticate might get a giggle…but you are only telling them you chew a lot..
SHITUATION ….This is not a real word and you can make up your own definition.
FRIBBLE
…. Means to act foolish or waste time.

OK…you get the idea. A little work on your part (and maybe some imagination) will find you a treasure chest full of other funny words or phrases that will help elevate your sense of humor among your peers.

HOW ABOUT INSULT COMEDY?
The short answer is yes. Only if done right.
 
“Do you want people to accept you as you are...or do you want them to like you?”

“Your mind is like a steel trap. It’s always closed.”

“I thought of you yesterday. I was at the zoo.”

“People like you don’t grow on trees. They swing from them..”

“He (or she) has the I.Q. of lint.”

For more insult jokes Google the words “insult jokes”. I did it and found 462,000 results.That should be enough. If not...you are weirder than I am.

I will give you a warning and tell you a secret about insult jokes.

The warning is two-fold. First of all, you should know the person you intend to insult and secondly you should check first to make sure they are not carrying a weapon.

The secret is to smile (or even laugh) after you insult them. For some reason a smile and laughter are contagious… and people (including the one you insulted) will be more prone to see the insult as your attempt to be joking around… rather than being mean spirited. A serious look or long-faced appearance might not bring the same reaction and you could be in trouble.

In the past I have had opportunities to be the master of ceremonies for various functions. No, not the Oscars or the Emmys. Not even the Annual Turkey Testicle Festival (takes place in Huntley, Illinois)… or the Annual Watermelon Seed Spitting Contest ( areal event that takes place in Luling, Texas).

The only reason I bring this up is… I stated that insult comedy was acceptable, if done right.

A number of years ago the Jewish Temple ( a reformed congregation) I belonged to needed to have a fund raiser (don’t all temple’s)? We were re-locating to another area of town and were in need of funds to build a new physical structure. Someone came up with the idea of having a roast. Not the one you eat…the one where you insult people. Should we roast the president of the congregation or should we seek some celebrity figure from outside the congregation? What would you do? I’m sure it’s not what we decided to do.

We decided to find someone who was known and respected by a horde of people in our community. In other words …someone who would draw the most people. After much soul searching the name of the event turned out to be ROAST THE RABBI.

That will give you an idea of just how reformed we were.

I was asked to be the roast master and to help plan the event. Oh, and also, to get the rabbi’s permission and convince him that it would be in good taste and raise much money.
 
If you read my RANDOM THOUGHT about Thinker’s and Feeler’s I will tell you that our rabbi had both qualities. He was a Thinker and a Feeler.

My next step was to meet with the Rabbi.

At our meeting I laid out a well planned presentation giving him all of the facts and details (thinker) as well as describing how beautiful the Temple would be decorated and the festive and elaborate reception that would be held after the roast (feeler). After my presentation, he asked me how much money we could raise. I gave him my estimate and he said,
 
“Lou, you can use the sanctuary.”

The event was a huge success. Not only did we raise money but everyone that attended had a wonderful fun-filled evening. Even those who initially thought that it was a crazy idea to roast the rabbi. Some even thought is would be in bad taste.

The reason that it was a success was due to the fact that our rabbi had a wonderful sense of humor as well as those who shared the dais with their remarks to the rabbi… and to each other did it right.
 
So, if you can roast the rabbi…insult comedy can be funny and acceptable. It proved that we are all human beings and that it is good to be funny.

You should try it.

See you next time

Lou