ARGUMENT OR DISAGREEMENT?
TO BEGIN WITH...
Some people think that an argument and a disagreement are the same thing.
Actually, there is a big difference between the two.
One thing I don't like about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion.
Before we get into that here are a few more Hummerdingers.
IF YOU WANT TO PULL A RABBIT OUT OF A HAT…MAKE SURE THAT YOU PUT ONE IN THERE FIRST.
IF GOD HAD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES…HE WOULD HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES.
YOU ONLY HAVE ONE CHANCE…TO MAKE A FIRST IMPRESSION.
ARGUMENT OR DISAGREEMENT
By Lou Goldstein
An argument is when one person wins…. and the other loses. An argument is when one person intends to convince or persuade another person to agree with their point of view. An argument is what occurs when you don’t agree to disagree, but are determined to make someone agree with you. It is a beef, a blowup, a brawl or a dispute.
YOU CAN’T BRING OUT BOTH SIDES OF AN ISSUE WITH A ONE-SIDED PERSON.
A disagreement is a lack of agreement that can be discussed. Some synonyms are: debate, misunderstanding, divergence, etc. In a disagreement it’s possible to have a win-win situation. A disagreement is something you can have and still respect each other’s opinion or view.
A disagreement is when both parties express their opinions without getting emotional. It’s just that they may see things differently. An argument involves being hurt or angry that the other will not see things the same way.
Any relationship is prone to have disagreements. If we agreed on everything…situations would remain stagnant and progress and improvements would be slow in coming. Disagreements prevent tunnel vision.
What is important to remember is not to avoid all disagreements but to remember to respect theother person’s point of view. If you are too busy trying to get your way, you can easily forget what is important.
There is a major difference between an argument and a disagreement. Arguing usually means that all parties have given up on compromise. It means that no one wants to give on any point. Also, remember that a disagreement is a chance for knowledge… while an argument is an exchange of ignorance.
Most of us will agree that we should give our fair share to a relationship or it won’t work. However, giving enough isn’t always enough. Sometimes we have to make decisions where our own needs come second. It is human nature to put ourselves first….but sometimes in order to have a successful resolution we must turn an argument into a disagreement .. and then…control the disagreement so that we get what we need, and we give what the other person needs, rather than only looking out for ourselves.
IT TAKES TWO PEOPLE TO ARGUE…
IF YOU ARE THE ONE WHO STOPS ARGUING... IT STOPS THE ARGUMENT
In a typical argument each person tries to prove themselves right and the other person wrong.
All that is accomplished is that each person stubbornly sticks to their views and loses their sense of reason when it comes to listening to the other person’s idea. By resisting the other person you only strengthen their resolve.
The way to win an argument is for you to aim for a goal other than being right.
Replace the need to be right with attempting to raise the other person’s awareness while maintaining your own sense of inner peace. Focus on helping the other person become aware of their behavior and how it affects you and others. Whenever they try to pin you down just “boomerang” them. Redirect their own energy back upon them. It’s like verbal fighting. Don’t defend against any of their comments. Simply “boomerang” (I love this word) the comments back to the person. This way, the more they attack you…the more they weaken themselves.
Some examples you might use to “boomerang” are...
“Wow, you are really upset aren’t you? Why do you feel that way?”
“It’s obvious we have different opinions but do you think you are being respectful to me?”
“So, do you think that it is fair to completely disregard my opinion?”
“If we don’t agree where is the compromise?”
"Even if we don't agree we still should respect each other's opinion."
"You have a right to feel the way you do...don't you think I have the same right?"
Keep your attention on the other person and their feelings. Keep asking questions that will cause them to eventually wear themselves out. Here we are again with asking questions.Have you figured out yet that asking questions is a valuable tool to have in your personal relationship’s tool kit?
If not…keep working on it.
This is not easy and takes perseverance, but it works. The idea is to place yourself in a state of compassion and understand that the negativity isn’t about you…it’s about the other person. As long as you keep reflecting things back to them (“boomeranging”). There’s that word again…you will direct the argument in one of two ways. The other person will either blow up emotionally… or give up. Either way it changes the course of the disruptive attempt at communication and might lead the way for something better to emerge.
If they“blow up” you can let them vent and then try to calm things down and suggest that you go back to the beginning and start with a common ground. Try to establish what you DO agree about and what you both want to accomplish.
If they “give up” try to resume the discussion by reinforcing the good idea(s) they had (even if you have to make one up) and try to come to a solution by building from there.. using both of your points of view to come together. You might both agree to disagree while at the same find some way to accomplish something and still be respectful of each other.In other words, turn the argument into a discussion.
What if you are being accused of something that isn’t true…or fair?
This still isn’t reason for an argument. You still have to see things from the other person’s point of view. If they truthfully think that you did something wrong… and their feelings are valid… you must react in a calm and rational manner. Address the issue not the accusation. Instead of arguing and defending yourself…ask questions about how the other person came to their conclusion or point of view. Repeat each question in a calm manner and then answer the question in a rational way. The more questions you ask the greater chance there is on improving the communications between each other that might lead to solving the problem. In fact working hard to improve communications could help avoid the argument in the first place.
OK now let's have a reality check. Let's say that you have done all that you can to avoid getting into an argument. You have been calm and have to the best of your ability tried to turn the argument into a disagreement. You used the "boomerang" and it just came back and hit you in the head.
Now, you are upset and against your desires ... are drawn into an argument. What are your options now? You can walk away completely...or...you can fight back. If you choose to fight back ...now you want to win.
So, how do you win? Actually, if you have done all you can to avoid having an argument in the first place and the ill tempered stubborn person (let's call him Mr. Wrong) you are up against... is still yapping at the mouth intent on proving you wrong and him right...you will not exactly win. You will probably never get him to admit he was wrong.
That doesn't mean you can't have some fun trying.
One thing you can do is to "make things up". I call this tactic "acceptable lying."
Let's say that you are told that our government is going to bankrupt the United States because of its over spending policies. You simply state that, "There are new statistics out that say the opposite". You go on to say that "These"facts" actually prove that the government has put some new policies in effect that will, in fact, within 5 years greatly strengthen the entire social security program and will make it solvent and self sustaining".
Mr. Wrong will, of course, challenge you and ask where you heard this.
A pattern is now beginning to emerge that is putting you in control …and Mr. Wrong on the defense. This is good.
What should you do when you are challenged after making something up? Well, you just make something else up. "You mean to tell me Mr. Wrong that you haven't heard about the recent report put out by the non-partisan (stating non-partisan will confuse him)…Analysis of the New Governmental Policies That will Save Social Security Commission… that was published last month? I'm surprised you didn't read it."
No matter what Mr. Wrong says you continue on the offense using absolutely meaningless words that preface everything you might say.
Statements like, "Let me put it this way." ... "So to speak" ... "It appears to me." ... "You obviously haven't considered." and so on.
Then, when Mr. Wrong comes back at you with another point you can disarm him by firing back with some irrelevant comebacks such as, "Quit being so defensive." ... " You're comparing apples to oranges." ... "What are your parameters (a great word) in making that statement?" ... "There is no basis in fact for you to claim that." .
The point is to frustrate and confuse him. Finally, you get to a point where you can end the argument by saying something like, "Look, it's obvious you are confused and aren't sure of all the facts. Let's stop talking about it now and ... when you can clear your mind ... maybe we can resume our discussion.
Let me know how this works out for you.
IT’S NOT THAT YOU ARE WRONG… IT’S JUST THAT YOU ARE NOT RIGHT
EITHER YOU CONTROL YOUR ATTITUDE… OR IT CONTROLS YOU
See you next time,